i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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