So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize