I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
