I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
