I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
There's always time for handjobs
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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