I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just want nice things and good sex
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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