Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
