You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
