I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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