from now on my penis is your penis
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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