do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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