im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
