apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
