I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize