Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
