this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
