Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
