WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize