new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
