textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
