Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
