my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I wish life had little blips of pornography
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Who died my cat blue again?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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