I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
