Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
