I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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