Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
