Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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