his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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