Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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