If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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