If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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