really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize