i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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