hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
