i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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