I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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