Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
