gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
