So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
