I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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