In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize