I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
