My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
