If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
