she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
