is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
