I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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