i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
