im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize