I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
