I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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