My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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