do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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