Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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