If that was your dad, he is hot
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
