Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
