This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
