i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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